When I look around my own family and see what my own father has achieved in his lifetime I cannot see any way in which I will not be headed in the same direction.
To work to earn money to support a family but not to achieve anything ‘real’ is my biggest fear in life. To end my days being able to say that I managed to pay for a big house and a fast car is not the sum total of all that I wish to achieve, it is not even close!
Yet what choices do I really have?
The world or society, as it is constructed around me rewards working in a steady job from around 9 in the morning to around 5 in the evening. I can show income and I can use the money to do whatever it is that I choose to do.
But what if this just isn’t enough? What if I am not interested in just ‘earning money’ or buying that big house or fast car? What if I want more!
There is no beaten track for me to follow, there is no surefire way to ‘change the world’ or, to put it another way, to implement my own ideas on how things should be.
You see my constant dichotomy is that on the one hand I know that I should simply continue working in my current job, earn a steadily increasing wage and live semi-happily ever after. Yet my soul cries out for me to do more, to get to grips with this world rather than simply be subservient to it!
How can I expect to change the world? How can I expect to achieve anything at all outside of the usual things in life that ‘everyone’ achieves although with variations in degree eg the size of the house I buy or the expense of my car.
I ask myself how I am supposed to move forward in this frame of mind with the idea of what it is I wish to change but with no knowledge of how it is possible to do it.
When i look at the world I see so many problems and I feel my calling, but am left with the frustration of having no vehicle to get there.
It makes me think of David against Goliath, for me the real story here is not that David beat Goliath but that David beat all of his own doubts and inhibitions in order to take up the challenge in the first place.
Imagine him standing there a mere soldier amongst thousands of other soldiers all of whom taller and stronger than him and all of whom refusing to take up Goliath’s challenge. Imagine what was going through his mind at the time.
One part urging him to step forward another urging him to stay where he was, safely anonymous amongst the masses and another moving him, willing him forward. David didn’t know that he was going to beat Goliath, he could reasonably have expected to fall down dead at his hand, but, he moved forward anyway, the belief he had in himself was enough.
Imagine if he hadn’t had that self belief, I am sure that he still would have gone on to live a relatively happy life as a shepherd, a house, wife and all the rest of it, but he probably would have been asking himself the question forever after what if?
That question is the real killer, it is the reason I went to Israel and served in the army, it is what spurs me on now. How can I ask for guarantees? what guarantees are there? You can only step forward and hope that you have made the right choice!