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Ever think about your life?

They always came to tell us how great we were. At JFS, in my youth movement, at shul, the older people that is, the Rabbi’s, the teachers and comunity leaders. They always send the same thing and it seared itself into my mind. “My time is over, I am of today, but you, you are of tomorrow, you are the future of our community”.

They would always say this and I remember thinking on the one hand that they were foolish to write themselves off so easily and on the other hand agreeing with them. If I so chose I could be the future. Nothing is cast in stone, with my whole life before me I saw infinite pathways to the future and the possibility to do anything, be anyone that I chose to be. We all could.

It was just a question of making that special choice, of deciding to take the chance and be one of the players in this world rather than one of the “written off” old men spouting the same shit to the kids twenty years after they heard it themselves and didn’t really listen.

Now I watch everyone grow up and get married and have kids; lawyers, doctors, teachers and salesmen they have become. Some doing well for themselves some not. Everyone seems to have become their parents.

I wonder about the individuals who stand out in our world. I wonder about those who stamped an imprint of themselves on our world. Who left a legacy long after they themselves are dead and buried. The leaders of today and yesterday.

I wonder how they managed it, I look at my own life and feel as though all of the potential, all of the infinite possibilities are slipping away from me. That I am in fact falling behind my piers.

I wonder if life simply becomes that thing that you do rather than a canvas upon which are painted the achievements of your life.

I have tried to build up a decent canvas yet…in doing so it seems that I have forgotten how to simply exist, how to live without worrying about what the future holds and worrying about how beautiful the canvas of my life is looking.

The truth is I want to be one of the famous people! I want to be one of the personalities that changes the world.

I know that this is childish, I know that it’s immature but I just can’t let go of it, So I throw it open to you; Is the world just a place where we should get married, have kids and succumb to the innevitable monotony of a boring, normal, middle class life or at least try, even if it means risking everything to achieve my dreams?

what do you think?

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