In the Footsteps of Seth Freedman

I go to take a look at the rantings of the Guardian Comment is Free (CiF) forum and there he is staring at me. There he is, the one who left London, came out here, joined the army and became a writer for the most prestigious newspaper in the UK. He's had 3 books published to date and his name is not Marc Goldberg.

I type Seth Freedman in google and am bombarded by articles, images and reviews. I type in Marc Goldberg and am treated to the CV of a bassoon player and another of a dog trainer. Somewhere down there you'll find my one rant on the pages of CiF. What isn't displayed on google for all to see are the hundreds of curt responses I've been treated to from the CiF Middle East editor Brian Whittaker. He tells me over and over "I'm sorry but we have published so many things on Israel/Palestine that we simply can't publish anymore". Only for me to wake up the next day and see yet another Israel/Palestine article on CiF written by one Seth Freedman drawing the ire and attention of thousands.

I focused on my book about my service in the IDF. Interesting to people as it is military service in Israel through the eyes of a North West London Jewish boy. only to be copied in advance by the man himself. "Can I bring my Own Gun?" Even the sense of humor was the same as my "Almost Under Fire", my book is still hardly a finished work while he has moved on from his first to second to third book and Lord knows what exciting project now.

I contacted him once, plucked up the nerve and sent a message to that weird facebook name he lives under. An appallingly arse kissy message pleading for a bit of help met with a silence so deafening I still can't hear anything in the roar of failure that buffets from time to time. There was a glimmer of hope when my mum said a friend of a friend's son was a writer in Israel; "had I heard of Seth Freedman?" "Maybe he can help"...

We had some dialogue once on the thread of one of his posts to CiF, he patronised me. As though I am without the privilege of seeing the light and coming to understand the conflict as he now does. Then after months and months of bashing the crap out of Israel in CiF he came back with a stunning move. The day after the taking of the Mavi Marmara he actually defended Israel, ensuring that his controversy and reputation grew....the bastard.

I return home to my one room palace at the end of the day too tired to write, not too tired to see that Seth Freedman has had yet another piece published somewhere, not too tired to hear yet another friend bring up his name as a writer I should talk to.

I know I am jealous of his success. I look inside myself at the little green monster, he looks just like me but with emerald eyes the size of saucers. He looks back at me with a cheeky grin and shrugs his shoulders.

Why can I never find the words?

I wish I could put my disconsolate rantings about affairs of state more eloquently but in the end it is all the same stuff. To continue moving as we are moving is to bring about the end of our country. Why are we still building in the West Bank? Why are we negotiating with Palestinians? Why are we forcing people to swear an oath that Israel will remain a Jewish State? Why are we going out of our way to hurt ourselves. Forcing a person to say words that they do not believe isn't going to alter our reality. This is obvious to anyone not consumed with hate and fear.

We need to get out of the West Bank not for our own safety and security but because we still don't have a state with any definable border to the East. Why are we wasting time going to negotiations with Palestinian leaders who have nothing that we want? See for a negotiation to mean something both sides have to have something that the other wants.

We have ended up making demands over what a Palestinian state will look like when formed, this is a waste of time. We are haggling over things that we already control. We will determine what a Palestinian state looks like on the ground. If we have to we can dictate it. We don't need to haggle over the Palestinian demand for a "Return of refugees" we can just tell them that it's not going to happen.

We are negotiating over which areas we are going to keep and which areas we aren't once again we can dictate this. The 2 State solution is the solution that serves our interests best not the Palestinians, they would rather have 1 state knowing that the ethnic time bomb will ensure the end of Israel. Hardcore settlers (those few settlers living in the West Bank because of their ideology rather than for tax breaks) would also rather we had just 1 state with Palestinians continually occupied, lorded over or worse. We don't have to pay any attention to their demands either.

We are crippled only by the inability of our own government to make good on a single promise. We should be standing tall amongst the nation but instead we crawl weak and pathetic complaining about our security needs rather than actually doing what is necessary to ensure our security. It's time for those who were so desperate to take power actually use it in order to foster a future for our country.

Pacific

I finished watching this programme last night, at several points during the last episode i was moved to tears. It reminded me that, however hard life was in the army (and nothing I had been through in the army compared to the hell of the Pacific theatre in WWII) coming home was infinitely harder.

Taking off that uniform and being expected to continue with life as if nothing had ever happened. Trying to explain to people, to make them understand but falling short every time.