I came here to join the army of my people and I did only to find that I was the only one in it.
The dreams of distant people really don't exist. In Israel the dream of the Jewish people, brave and strong and pure died a death. It died alongside a Palestinian woman peeking through her window to see what the commotion was about far, far, below. It died with a 78 year old Palestinian man who took a bullet to the neck while sitting in his favourite chair. It went up in flames along with a house in Nablus burned by mistake.
The death of the dream is no bother. A new dream rose from the ashes of the burnt out house. The aspiration of the purity of arms, the knowledge that reality and dreams make impossible bedfellows, the knowledge that Israel and Israelis are real people with human flaws and weaknesses. There is no such thing as the ultra moral Israeli army as there is no such thing as an ultra morality within the human condition...shit happens everywhere, people die.
Israel is a work in progress, Israel is not yet finished, the borders to my country remain undefined. This is what brought me back, there is unpredictability here, there is weakness and there is a pain that I still can't quite understand but sense everywhere. There is a longing amongst those living here to escape and a dream among those abroad to rise up to Israel. Some come and some leave neither is good or bad...it simply is. We come here and we leave here, some stay to watch their children leave for you're not really an Israeli until you run away from here for a few years.
There are many things I hate about this place but nothing more than the smell of fear that sits all around. Today I saw a woman pushing a child in a pushchair while carrying 2 sets of gas masks. Today I read that Bibi has requested secret service protection for 15 years after he leaves office. The fear is everywhere, I want to take the country by the scruff of the neck and scream at everyone
LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED, THE NEAREST A TERRORIST CAN COME TO US IS GAZA! They're so afraid of us all they can do is lob their whizcrackers from their own turf.
And it's true, we fought and we won the second Intifada, we pushed the PA leadership into their current position of non-violence through our successful use of military might. Quite simply we have won the fight. Now we have to fight the harder battle and shrug off our fear of what 'might' happen should we do the increasingly unlikely and leave our West Bank fortresses in the name of finally becoming a country with internationally recognised borders and ending our thousand years problem with the Philistines. The Philistines with whom I grow increasingly impatient, what are we negotiating with them over anyway? They've already renounced violence in its entirety we hold all the keys to all the doors they wish to enter, we decide what they get and we decide what we give them so for how much longer is my intelligence to be insulted by watching these old, fat ineffective men sit opposite each other and wait for the other to be the first one to leave?
It's time to move forward, it's time to recognise our own strength in the face of unflinching hatred and to do what's right and just in the face of such hatred lest we become the reflection of the hatred directed against us, lest we become defined by it.